Cabin in the Woods rant

 

 Hello my peeps!! Let us talk about the self-paroding Cabin in the Woods. What is Cabin in the Woods, you ask? How dare you not know what Cabin in the Woods is? Sam Raimi should visit your home and cocock you right upside the head. Slaps Whoops, there he goes! It was a hit and run! Now, go watch it! If you have watched it, Great!! Then you’ll know what I’m talking about. I would beware of SPOILERS!!!

 

Now do not get me wrong, in any of this. I love CitW, I think it’s ingenious, funny, and creative. However, there are a few things I’d like to talk about.

 

ONE: The gods. Why are the gods horror fans? Why do they NEED to have people sacrificed to them in a horror genre movie way? This doesn’t make sense. Also, a Gods’ power is not just from fear, it comes from love and worship. So, these gods would have busted out of their prison years ago, depending on how long they had been ‘captured’. They also wouldn’t have busted out and went on a murdering rampage. There goes all their sacrifices and fuel to their power. Not smart. So, no point. Yet, unique and creative. So I’ll give em a pass.

 

TWO: The gas. They have a heavy reliance on the gas. I mean seriously they could have flucked everything up just by using this mind altering substance. Which they have already somehow injected characteristic changing chemicals into the characters anyway. So, why add more? What if one of the wrong people had gotten the wrong chemical and this inadvertently messed up the orders of death?

 

THREE: How did they get those supernatural beings? Did they engineer them? Catch them? I wanna know about them! There is even a unicorn! WTF?! Unicorns aren’t going to work like that.

 

FOUR: Why does every country in the world have to participate if only one set of sacrifices actually counts? More chances I guess. But this brings up my next point.

 

FIVE: If every country in the world participates….HOW DOES EVERYONE FAIL AT THE SAME TIME?! That doesn’t even make sense. That goes against statistical reasoning/logic. There’d be at least one success everytime. Also, I’d like to know how all of the other countries horror films went down for their sacrifices.

 

SIX: If they need 5 specific sacrifices….why don’t they just get those specific sacrifices instead of chemically altering them? I mean they took some pretty non stereotypical kids and killed them, when they could have done a great service to the society. Especially since they want a virgin sacrifice for one of them, but she’s not a virgin at all. Why does this even count?

 

SEVEN: Why does the really smart guy that is realizing what is going on, have to be a pothead? I have nothing against people that smoke it or like pot. I do not use it personally, but that’s my preference. However, it seems like everyone that is a pothead is a genius. Great breaking the stereotype however, now the smart, analytical, and theorist pothead is the new stereotype. Why not just play the smart guy straight? Instead of making him flawed by giving him drugs to do. Nice tip of the hat to Sherlock Holmes though. Why do all of the smart people actually have to have a flaw such as they are insane or doing drugs? Can’t they just be smart and human on their own? I’ve seen real life people accomplish this.

 

EIGHT: The mother flipping Harbinger! What is this guys deal? If he is there as an actor trying to accomplish these kids’ deaths, why does he give hints that they should turn around?! HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?! You want these kids to die! If they would have turned back, your plans would be flucked! ALL BECAUSE OF THIS HARBINGER! That you placed there government! You had one job! As the gov’t goes they should know how to kill people in a smarter way then this…just saying.

 

As always thanks for taking time out of your day to read my pointless post! So what do you think about my points? What do you think of the movie? Comment below to let me know! Toodles!

 

Openly Yours,

 

DanniDarkness.